Chapter 13

Fall was in the air. Pumpkin Spice Lattes were alive and well, a chill wind blew in from the north. Seasons were changing. I carefully packed the hospital bag; I had put it off long enough. Diapers – check! Bottles – check, check! Pacifiers – check, check, check! And the oh-so-important take-home outfit…

Paul and I carefully selected two, complete with matching bib and blanky from gymboree.com; we wanted to communicate the fact that Naomi would be well cared for with us. One was a red and brown leopard print, and the other a soft pink and brown snuggly bunny. While we did prefer the soft pink and brown bunny print, we decided that having both outfits gave Pam the power of choice; she would be making the decision for Naomi’s take-home outfit. 

In turn, Pam handed over the power of choice to her daughter. I almost couldn’t hack it. Did she not understand what an important decision this was? And to leave it in the hands of a young pre-teen — I was stunned. It felt like she was taking my heart, something I held near and dear, and throwing it to the wind. 

You see, Cassandra had not even settled on a middle name. Pam chose the first, and left the selection of the middle to Cassandra. Would it be “Janine” or “Nicole”? Here, two weeks out, and she had still not decided. And now she was going to choose the take-home outfit? Leopard it was, much to both Pam and our chagrin: it turned out that the adults all preferred the snuggly bunny. I tried to contain my disappointment as I carefully situated the outfit in the bag, though I was not sure that I was going to get over this one.

With my bags all packed, I decided to ask Pam about her progress. She had not packed yet and was not sure what to bring. It was with that announcement that I decided to take another bold step. “Do you want to go shopping with me?”

My gesture was motivated by two things: curiosity and control. I had never been shopping for a maternity hospital stay before. I thought it would be interesting to research and have that experience under my belt. I let Pam know that she would be providing that opportunity for me, filling a loss in my life. I also wanted her hospital stay to be as comfortable as possible. As much as it depended on me, I wanted to be there for her, to comfort and protect, because I knew this was going to be the most difficult part of the journey: preparing to say goodbye. 

And so the girl shopping trip commenced at the neighborhood mall! A few hours, and a couple of Starbucks later, after many hours of prep, we browsed with purpose. Our list was detailed, leaving some room for spontaneity as the mood hit us: a gown, robe, a pair of slippers (w/traction), sports bras (to hopefully delay/deter her milk from coming in), and a pair of sweats for the ride home. We also made sure to pick up odds and ends like travel shampoo and conditioner, lotion, and the very necessary sticks of chapstick (Softlips, to be precise). Turned out we both preferred the light, non-waxy feel of them. 

As with most other things I felt awkward. I knew it wasn’t like Renee was trying to buy my baby but the amount of money she spent did make me uncomfortable. During that season in my life I felt so unworthy and therefore everyone else should feel that way about me and not desire to do nice things for me. 

With all bags officially packed and waiting beside the bed in each of our rooms, we were able to breathe with some assurance. I had thought through everything and was fully prepared for the adventure at hand: I even had a camping chair with an attached footrest nearby for a night’s stay at the hospital. We were ready for the day Naomi decided to grace us with her presence…or so we thought.