Chapter 15
It did not take long for Pam to come to a decision, and to the delivery room we went. Walking down the hall two doors, we set our things down and got settled. Pam wanted to shower while things were quiet; after a busy afternoon, it sounded like a great idea. I, too, wished for the solace of warm, running water. Rather, into the hard, oversized chair I nestled, trying to situate myself for the night.
I do not remember much of the details between the decision to induce, labor, and delivery. I remember Paul arriving with muffins, cashews, and bottled Starbucks for the nursing staff. I remember reading on the announcement board that there was a woman admitted in labor down the hall from us who had an active case of tuberculosis; I was very concerned about that. I also remember Pam’s stuffy nose.
When they began the Pitocin drip, Pam began to sniffle. Those sniffles progressed to where she was having great difficulty breathing out of her nose. With Pam’s permission, I put in a request for nasal spray to try and alleviate her discomfort. Some time went by and we had yet to receive the medication. The nurse did not know about the medication, so I decided to take it a step further.
I went out to check at the front counter to see if it was delivered and just waiting for pick-up. They informed me that it had been filled, but everyone was so busy, there was no one available to bring it up. At that declaration I offered my services. Where was the pharmacy? I will gladly go down there and pick it up for her. A strange look came across their faces as they politely declined my offer. Someone would bring it up shortly.
It was at this moment that I truly began to feel like Pam’s cheerleader. You are not taking care of things? I will take care of them for you. I felt protective and ready to fight. Breathing was essential, and I was going to do whatever I had to in order to make it happen. With the crisis averted, and a few deep breaths to calm my nerves, I turned my attention again to Pam.
“It’s on its way.” I reassured her that in no time at all she would be breathing freely once again. As the contractions came and went we sat there together, mostly in silence, my mind racing, trying to figure out my part in all of this. “How are you doing?” “Have you changed your mind about pain management? Would you like me to have them get something for you?” After a few hours had passed, Pam decided to take something to curb the pain. “Not an epidural, but something I can take orally.”
Pam did not want to be “drugged up” when Naomi entered the world. Her body was very sensitive to medication; she knew that, and wanted to be aware and alert. It took everything within her to stave it off this long and I knew she had to be hurting to give in.
I was really, really out of it thanks to the IV medication I took while in labor. I think that was a blessing in some ways. It was kind of surreal. The whole experience was like nothing I had experienced before and although I had tried to prepare in advance that was virtually impossible.
Labor progressed quickly as Pam sunk into na-na land. Soon, Kimberly entered the room with her assistants, and, in the frenzy of it all, Paul was pushed into a corner (he had intended to exit, slyly avoiding the ceremonial clipping of the umbilical cord – he had expressed an awkwardness of being a part of the whole birthing process, especially considering it was not me giving birth). As he nestled powerless in the white crevice, I decided I could do nothing to alleviate his discomfort, and directed my attention back to Pam.
“Push,” the orders came, as I held fast to Pam’s hand. Our palms were sweaty and we had difficulty keeping the grip. “I love you.” The intimate words fell as she looked longingly into my eyes. “I love you too,” was all I had to give. I am sure that in her state of mind, those seemed like appropriate words to say given the circumstance. For me, it was awkward. We had said those words before, but now they seemed to hold so much more meaning. Pam was in a vulnerable position, looking for reassurance and comfort, and I was the one expected to give it. At that moment I knew that words would never be enough.
The tide began to turn. “Don’t let them hurt me anymore,” her plea directed right at me. “Grab her foot,” a nurse directed me as she stood on the other side of Pam in a demonstrative position. We both held tight, legs heaven-bound, as Pam continued to bear down during the contractions. One big push and Naomi’s shoulders were exposed, her arms dangling at her sides. “Go ahead and grab her right here,” Kimberly said as she directed Pam’s left hand under Naomi’s right shoulder. With a nod to me, I followed suit, securing the hold under the other arm, lifting her up and onto Pam’s stomach.
Renee was with me the entire time at the hospital and Paul was there most of the time as well. For whatever reason, possibly age being the biggest factor, labor and delivery was much more difficult than it was with my first born. Thankfully Renee was by my side during the painful, tender, intimate time. In fact as the baby was coming out the nurse had Renee assist with delivering her. So as not to leave anyone out Paul got to cut the umbilical cord. Looking back I see so much symbolism attached to both of these acts. I was physically giving them the child I had in my womb for nine months.
Almost instinctively I began to retract my hand, fully aware of the gravity of this situation, wanting to respect these first few moments Pam had with Naomi. While I longed desperately to be the one to hold her, I understood that I had no right to even be in the room. And so with great concerted effort I pulled myself away, both emotionally and physically, until a hand caught mine mid-stride. With loving determination, Kimberly pulled and placed my hand again on Naomi’s back. The floodgates burst and I began to weep openly.
I had never experienced anything like it. Tears traveled aimlessly down my cheeks as I threw reason to the wind. Joy filled my heart and I embraced my position at the beginning of this new life. Through her actions, Kimberly managed to recognize and value me even though I tried desperately to discount myself. I am not sure how long I sat there blinded by the spontaneous flow of emotion, but soon my thoughts were interrupted.
I am not sure what Kimberly said, but I know her tone was commanding and serious. Naomi was whisked away to the nearby scale and I followed quickly behind. Her lips curled as she cried and I desperately tried to comfort her. I placed my hand on her chest and spoke softly to her. My thoughts were so directed that I initially missed the bustle behind me. Assistants darted to and fro as Kimberly worked feverishly at Pam’s feet. Unbeknownst to me, Pam was hemorrhaging.
