Chapter 22

Two weeks after Naomi’s birth we scheduled to meet with Pam, Patti, and Cassandra at the mall. We met in the parking lot, hugged, continued onto the food court, and found a spot we could all comfortably sit, along a bench with a couple of chairs. Not sure how this meeting should go, I sat as relaxed as I could with Naomi securely in my arms, asleep on my chest. 

I wanted to gauge how Pam was doing. She had to be grieving, but was it on a healthy level? Was she processing her loss or wanting to stave it? Not much time had passed and I was determined to proceed with caution. Pam initiated this get together, prefacing it with the fact that Cassandra wanted to see Naomi. She was already not being completely honest with me.

I was devastated but I wanted to get back to normal as soon as possible. I needed to lose all of the pregnancy weight as soon as possible. In hindsight I wish I would have focused more on healing the gaping internal wound I had in lieu of focusing on how I looked externally. I was more concerned about looking alright on the outside than being alright on the inside.

We spent some time in general conversation before I made my first move; I asked Patti if she would like to hold Naomi. With great exuberance she accepted, and sat down on the chair across from us. In just a few minutes time, Pam walked over and wiggled Naomi out of Patti’s grasp. There was a moment of awkwardness as we all tried to settle back into conversation, Pam enjoying the bundled snuggles of our daughter. After what seemed like a significant amount of time had passed (Pam’s attention exclusively on Naomi) I offered her to Cassandra. Gently lifting Naomi out of Pam’s arms, I placed her in Cassandra’s. It did not take long for Pam to reclaim Naomi, sitting down once again.

This exchange concerned me. While I tried to understand the loss that Pam was going through, I could not shake my uncertainty. She said Cassandra wanted to see Naomi, but barely allowed the time to hold her. Pam seemed to be emotionally disconnected from Cassandra and overly attentive to Naomi. After holding her the second time, Naomi dirtied her diaper; Pam noted that and offered to change it. That also struck me wrong — only a mother wants to change a child’s poopy diaper. I thanked her kindly but refused; we would change it on our way out. With that, we dismissed ourselves from their company and departed on good, albeit awkward terms.