Chapter 23

It did not take long for us to receive a call from Mary: Pam wanted
her to facilitate a meeting with Joe. If my Mama alarms were not already going off, maybe this declaration would not have seemed so threatening. I recalled a conversation Pam and I had as we walked from the parking lot to the food court just a few days prior: “Would you consider letting Joe meet Naomi someday?” A question to which I answered, “Yes,” but thought it would be some time down the road, when she was older. I never imagined that Pam would be in contact with Joe this soon.

Naomi is the reason that Pam left Joe. She had found herself in the
midst of domestic violence and feared for her own life, and the life of her
unborn child. Patti rescued Pam out of the situation, driving out to get her, and helping Pam get settled in a shelter for abused women. It was in that shelter that Pam first began the journey towards adoption. She picked us, and was working to get back up on her feet so that she could raise
Cassandra. That was her personal goal, in choosing us, and choosing
adoption. Pam wanted to work towards reunification with her daughter,
and it all started with separation from Joe. And now she was initiating
contact, hoping for a visit.

“No, absolutely not,” was how I responded when Paul first told me.
Mary had talked with him on the phone earlier in the day. The meeting
would take place at a police station with armed guards nearby. Pam would
be there, along with Joe, Mary, and us (with Naomi). I almost could not
believe what I was hearing: police station, armed guards.

I wondered if they even heard the words coming out of their mouths.
The only situation that would warrant that type of supervision was a
dangerous one, and I was not about to put our daughter in that position.
Thoughts flooded my mind. She could be used by Joe as a pawn in his
relationship with Pam, or he could potentially bring Naomi harm. He was
abusive, and Pam had escaped. Why was she going back to him? Obviously her grief had clouded her otherwise sound judgment; I had to think for the both of us. There would be no meeting.

My stand was a lonely one. I would not let the meeting happen, and
would not budge in my position. Paul tried to urge me, reassuring me that it would be a safe venue. Mary wanted to help foster an open-adoption
relationship. I just wanted to protect my daughter, and did not see how a
meeting with Joe and Pam was in anyone’s best interest. With all the rights that I possessed, I would keep Naomi from being a part of such madness. The “Mama Tiger” in me was coming out, and I would not listen to anything
but reason.

I understood Mary’s point of view; she was trained to mediate any
hesitancy to “openness” in adoption. I also could sympathize with where
Paul was coming from – he did not want to cause Pam any alarm for fear
she would change her mind. I believed Pam was trying to facilitate this
meeting for selfish reasons, to emotionally connect with Joe, a natural post-birth response. But this was not a natural process, and Naomi’s needs had to come first.

Pam was not thinking clearly, controlled by her hormones and
emotionally unstable. Joe had a track record of acting in his own best
interest despite the apparent pain it caused others. And no matter how hard I tried to convince myself that this was “no big deal,” as everyone else was trying to convince me, I could not shake the fear of impending danger and do everything in my power to stave it. So I refused, despite everyone else’s opinions, I said, “No.”

Now Paul had been married to me long enough to know that when I
made a decision, it was final. I had considered all viewpoints and they did
not add up: this move was not in Naomi’s best interest. So the meeting
would not take place and everyone knew I was to blame. Paul shrugged his
shoulders at the unyielding, Mary conveyed the inevitable, and Pam
stepped back a few paces. There were no phone calls, no contact, a period of silence between us. I understood everyone’s reaction to my stand, I truly did. But I could not deny my own conviction or feelings in the matter. It took some time for Pam to fully process what had happened.

I ached for her as she stepped back from me, having to deal with the harsh
reality that I was calling the shots. I am sure she felt betrayed by me, and her understanding of our “open” adoption was pruned. Until that point I
think Pam felt we would be co-parenting, that she would be a mother from
a distance, as she had been to Cassandra, with another family member
assuming physical care and responsibility of her child.

In that moment, I believe it became painfully obvious that this was
not so. I tried to comfort myself in the thought that she chose me to care for and protect Naomi, and that is what I was doing – despite popular opinion. I hoped that one day she would understand and be able to appreciate my decision. But I felt alone and saddened by it all. I knew the healing from this would not be easily navigated.

In the end, I felt grateful and relieved. It reconfirmed the fact that
Paul and Renee were the perfect pick to be her parents. That whole period was such a fiasco for me. Bad decisions followed up with more bad decisions.