Chapter 24

When Naomi turned four weeks old, Pam called us. She wanted to meet up at the mall again, with Patti and Cassandra, for another visit. The conversation was light as we managed to avoid talking about anything in particular. Of course we would be happy to get together with all of them, and even offered her a ride to the rendezvous point. Paul and I knew that we had to talk with Pam about the decision we made to avoid Joe; we felt it was important for her to understand our point of view. 

After picking her up and engaging in light discussion for most of the drive, I initiated the awkward and inevitable. I began by explaining the motivation for our decision. While I respected her as an adult, able to make her own decisions, I did not feel that reconciling with Joe was in her best interest. I tried to convey my concern for her in the matter, and my distrust for Joe’s intent. If he was interested in establishing a healthy relationship with her, he would be working toward that end. It would take time and persistence and have evidence. I stepped gingerly, trying not to talk down to her, but express genuine concern as her friend.

I then went on to explain my position as Naomi’s mother. Part of my job was to protect Naomi from potentially harmful situations. The decisions Pam made regarding Joe were hers to make, but if they were not healthy, I would not allow Naomi to be a part of it. With a nod of her head, Pam noted that she understood our position. I did not feel that she agreed with it and distance remained between us as we exited the truck. Patti and Cassandra met us with embrace in the parking lot and we proceeded to walk into the mall, towards the food court. 

Pam walked slightly ahead of us, knowing her way around the mall, and headed in the general direction of food. The conversation was general, mainly between Cassandra and Pam, with detached outbursts here and there. It felt like a juvenile conversation, staying on the surface with a quiet storm brewing underneath. 

Patti drew me back and engaged in quiet conversation. She shared her dissatisfaction with Pam’s decision to reunite with Joe, and voiced that she was surprised that we were even willing to meet up with them. I assured her that I was sincere in wanting to make this work, they were family, and I would strive to preserve that relationship. 

As we settled in our seats, the air was a bit heavy. Through it all we managed to converse and share general admiration for Naomi. In time, Pam expressed a desire to once again change Naomi’s diaper. All I could think of was my own fear. Cassandra was here, Naomi was here, and Joe was probably waiting for them outside. Pam was going to make one more last-ditch effort to reunite her family and run off for good. 

“You can come with me,” I offered as an alternative. By this point I did not know if it was my own paranoia or reality, but either way, I was not letting go. She accepted and accompanied me to the changing station. I was shaking as I changed Naomi’s diaper, trying to converse but stay on my guard. I would be ready for any physical altercation that may ensue. 

When we returned to the table we packed up and excused ourselves; I was emotionally exhausted and quite ready to be done. Patti offered to drop Pam back off at her place and we graciously accepted the offer. Little did I know this would be the last time for a while that we would be in contact. We embraced and then departed, genuinely relieved that it went as well as it did.

Decisions I made shortly after the baby’s birth weren’t the healthiest on my part, but I believe that was part of the process for me. I knew then as I know now that Paul and Renee would be open to however much involvement I chose to have in the child’s life. Little did I know that I would choose to not have contact with the child after she was six weeks old. I believe I needed to heal and process this significant life event before I was open to anymore contact. 

After that meeting, Pam made no attempt to contact me. I was left wondering how she was, praying that she was not getting caught up in a relationship with Joe again. I could not help but speculate that she was somewhat ashamed of her decisions and would avoid me since I expressed concern for her moving in this direction. Mostly I grieved for Cassandra; she had lost a sister and was once again losing her mother. But I was powerless. All I could do was hope, and somehow this did not comfort me.