Chapter 7

I chose to meet with another family just to make sure I was making the right choice. They were a great couple but I didn’t experience the connection I immediately felt with Paul and Renee.

 It was two weeks before we heard anything, two agonizing weeks. Mary let us know that Pam had another family she was considering. Pam would meet with them and then process some more. “When you go shopping for something, you don’t pull the first thing you see on the shelf! You look around, compare products, so that you can know for sure you got the best deal.” 

That did it – that was the last straw. I could not hold my tongue. My mind raced as I tried to form words out of my emotions. The past two weeks of waiting, questioning, doubting, hoping, and ultimate fear flooded my mind. “We are not inadament objects on a shelf, Mary! We are human beings, with feelings and pain.” Now, I always valued Mary and her insight, often turning to her for advice as I strove to better understand adoption from the birth mother’s point of view. But this time, I felt it was important for her to understand our perspective. “I know. Be patient,” was all she had to offer me.

My cell phone rang. The number was unfamiliar to me and no name was attached. I racked my brain for a moment, running all possible scenarios of who it might be through my head, and then picked up in fear that too many rings might have already passed. “Hello?” I forced my voice to be happy and upbeat, calm but expectant – confident, though doubtful. I could not stop the swarm of butterflies filling my gut and trying to exit my throat as I heard Pam’s voice on the other side of the line. She sounded cool, stand-offish, and I began to wonder if this was the “rejection” call.

Once I was positive about my decision I called Mary and let her know. The next step was calling Renee and telling her the good news. Conversely, what was great news for her was painful and devastating news for me. Again I was angry and upset. Why did making the right decision have to be so darn painful? 

“Do you think you can get the cradle ready in seven weeks?” So much for small talk. “Really?! Yes, of course,” was all I could think to say, and in that moment we both began to cry. 

I don’t remember how many days I waited before I contacted Renee. When I finally did I told her it was time to get the Longshore cradle out of the garage. I needed to keep it lighthearted so I could hold it together. Renee and I cried on the phone, however, once I got off of the phone I sobbed and sobbed. 

I cannot pinpoint the exact thought or feeling that initiated the tears. I felt relief and doubt at the same time, almost like I could not quite wrap my mind around it all. Was this real? I felt Pam’s pain, audible in her voice; I have always been a collective-crier. No matter how much I wanted to, I could not lose myself in the moment. I wanted to be happy, genuinely happy for this announcement, and I wanted to be compassionate for the pain she must be feeling. All I could muster was tears born from a myriad of feelings that I could not even define.

There were no more words to be said as we both gathered ourselves on opposite ends of the line. “I have to go. I’ll call you later,” was how that conversation ended. Yes, of course. There was nothing left to be said. We both needed to process the reality of this moment. The abstract had become concrete with just a few words, and both of us were uncertain of where we should go from here. “Ok. Talk to you then,” was my reply, and with that the line went dead. I reminded myself to breathe, in and out, before I stood up from the floor. 

Paul and I talked. While excited about the possibility of a fourth child, we decided to proceed with caution: we would not tell our children. Pam’s pause to select us, the time it took for her to reach a decision, all gave us reason to hesitantly move forward. We knew how agonizing a decision it was for Pam, how difficult it had been for us, and we wanted to shelter and protect them from the inevitable ups and downs. We decided to take it one step at a time, and continue to leave them, for the most part, unaware.