Chapter 8

Whatever would come of it, we all decided to jump in with both feet. Pam called me again to start coordinating efforts for doctor visits. She wanted me to come along, and she needed a ride. Pam was staying in a shelter for abused women and did not have a car. She was also in contact with a crisis pregnancy center, and they were arranging for transportation to and from her appointments. With us in the picture now, we would assume those responsibilities. 

While I was thankful she was including me in these momentous events, over the weeks I found myself growing in bitterness and skepticism. I would be picking her up, taking her to the doctor appointments, and bringing her back, only to repeat the process the next week. Pam’s pregnancy was considered high-risk, because of her age, high blood-pressure, and results from the amniocentesis, she required these weekly check-ups. As a visitor, I was not consulted, given information or addressed – and rightly so. I had no say, because my status as “potential mom” was only speculative; it could change at any given moment. Legally, Pam held all the dice. 

Although I understood it from a logical standpoint, it was emotionally exhausting. I wrestled with myself constantly. Taking time away from my family, being a mother of three beautiful children, was taking its toll. At the same time, my investment of time and energy was a gamble. I had no assurance that anything would come of it. My hope for what might be was consistently being suffocated by reality: I had no rights. No matter what I did, I could not change that. I began to wonder if the slim hope of a fourth child was truly worth the sacrifice of time and effort.

It was in this state of desperation that I made a key paradigm shift. I do not know what motivated the change, whether a last-ditch move for self-preservation or an embracing of the inevitable. But it worked. Whatever moved me away from my self-loathing, pushed me toward reconciliation. I decided that I would be there for Pam. She needed a friend, a support, and I willingly moved myself into that position, regardless of the outcome. I no longer set my hopes on a baby at the end of the road, but started to see this as a journey that I had a unique opportunity to be a part of. My focus turned to Pam, and what I could do to be there for her in the transition to a better life.

It was during our time together at doctor appointments and girl dates that we got to know one another. Pam shared about her life, her daughter, her broken family relationships. She opened up about Joe, decisions she had made while with him, and the final severing of ties. Pam told me about Patti, her sister, who had made it a point to help her out of the web of domestic violence. My heart ached as I listened to her, knowing it just could have easily been me in that situation. One decision, one move away from destroying my life. And then there was Isabella Janine, a beauty that sprung from love that once was – hope streaming from an otherwise dark and gloomy situation. I could see the pain in Pam’s eyes as she wrestled with her own thoughts. 

The relationship I was able to develop with Renee during the remainder of my pregnancy was priceless. I believe that she and I having the opportunity to be on this journey together solidified the fact that I was making the correct decision even when doubt would rear its head. I am grateful that Renee chose to accompany me to all of the remaining prenatal visits including my weekly fetal monitoring sessions. These times together made me even more confident that she was the perfect mom for the baby. 

Our time together was priceless. I came to respect Pam for her strong will and intelligence, boasting a B.A. in Psychology. This woman had an uncompromised passion for football, but turned the television off in the doctor offices to talk. She purposed to get to know me. Pam’s questions were poignant and real. Why did you choose to adopt? 

Paul and I had always wanted to adopt, even before we began trying to get pregnant. We would have a couple children “of our own” first and expand by one or two through adoption. Then I told her of our infertility, our years of trying to conceive with no success. It was then that we decided to make “Plan B” our “Plan A”: after obtaining our FosDopt license, we brought home Lydia. As we continued to grow our family through adoption, we concurrently employed the means of fertility treatment as well.

I shared our frustration as we reached the end of the road and doctors could offer no clear reason for our struggles to have biological children; we had exhausted all known medical expertise and they had nothing to offer us. Our situation had baffled the medical field. The only answer I had, after careful deliberation, was that we were supposed to build our entire family through adoption. And with me being a very practical individual, it was the only thing that made sense.

Renee’s openness and down to earth nature affected me greatly in a positive way. Although there were many times I felt like I didn’t measure up to her qualities in a myriad of ways. I know these were my own issues and insecurities and had nothing to do with her. I knew from the gate that the Longshores would not go riding off into the sunset after the final paperwork was signed and completely disregard me.

 Through all of our time together, we bonded. I came to appreciate Pam’s sarcasm and blunt humor. She was real and honest. If there was something she had to say, it was going to be said. During these weeks she opened up, as did I, and we became good friends. I believe this was due to our willingness to be vulnerable towards each other, and to respect the vulnerable position that each one of us was in. I had no expectations and began to appreciate whatever Pam was able to give.