Chapter 17

We were escorted to the hospital room we would be staying for the next couple of days. It had two beds, and we were assigned to the one nearest the door even though the other one was empty. A chair was there, beside the bed, so I set my stuff down and made a careful assessment of the situation. I secretly wished we could have been in the other bed; it seemed tucked away, safer, sheltered from the general bustle. “Do you want me to stay the night?”

Without hesitation, a confident “Yes, definitely!” came Pam’s reply. Up until that moment we had not even breached the subject. I was waiting for her lead, and Pam had expressed no specific desire to have me stay; I was uncertain how to even ask. I understood she might have wanted some space. She also might have wanted these first couple of days with Naomi, and I was going to respect that. Ultimately I knew that she might even change her mind about adoption and not want us there at all. 

So, the camping chair was packed but not brought to the hospital; it remained in the trunk of the car, just in case. Somehow I felt a distinct connection with it, a shared experience. We had potential, the two of us, but would maintain our collapsed and bagged state until someone beckoned us with purpose. 

Paul brought our stuff to the room. As he unfolded the chair, I was glad to have a pacifier to calm Naomi between feedings (because the facility promoted breastfeeding, they did not provide pacifiers, and my finger had to suffice up until that point). I was also glad to finally have a place to rest after an exhausting night. All settled into the room that we would call home for now, Pam began to unpack and rummage through her things. 

I remained attentive and ready for service. When Naomi cried, I comforted her. A diaper needs changing? Yup, I have got that! Feedings throughout the day and night, I lopped myself up from the canvas-hammock chair and aspired to meet Naomi’s every need. I felt this pressure, like I had to be perfect, do everything right, demonstrate my mad-mothering-skills. 

I am sure the pressure I placed on myself was over the top, but I felt like it was necessary, and employed every ounce of the adrenaline rush. I was exhausted, emotional, and very uncertain of myself and the situation. I hardly caught a wink of sleep between Pam’s snores, Naomi’s cries, and the occasional visitors.